3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize