he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
