i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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