My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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