M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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