Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize