I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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