Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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