I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
