Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
