i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
