the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think your dad took our porno
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
