i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
