The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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