hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
