Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
