my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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