end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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