I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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