Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
