In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
