my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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