remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
