Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
