and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
