goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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