i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize