ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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