i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
