Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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