Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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