you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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