one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
false alarm, still single
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
