I wanna bring you to show and tell
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think my fart just growled at me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
