I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
