how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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