can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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