We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
