Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
