I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
