wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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