Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
