He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
