So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
