you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
