had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
