I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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