Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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