ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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