Four minutes until I can fart!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
