Why are handjobs necessary in class?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
