i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
